Stages of Love

3 Distinct (Types or Stages) of “Love”

• lust, or erotic passion
• attraction, or romantic passion
• attachment, or commitment

Lust (Erotic Passion)

• teenagers, just after puberty, estrogen and testosterone become active in our bodies for the first time and creates the desire (aka lust) to experience “love”

• factors that affect whom we lust after:

  • appearance
  • learned predispositions (Love Map/Template)
  • pheromones

• difference between lust and love:

  • lust and romantic love are caused by 2 different substrates:
    • lust evolved for the purpose of sexual mating
    • romantic love evolved because of the need for infant/child bonding (precocial v altricial)
  • Sexologist John Money draws the line between love and lust in this way: “Love exists above the belt, lust below. Love is lyrical. Lust is lewd.”

• while lust keeps us “looking around”, our desire for romantic love leads us to attraction

Attraction (Romantic Passion)

• at this “fantasy” stage we often lose our ability to think rationally:
  • oblivious to flaws
  • idealize them
  • can’t stop thinking about them
• thus, we spend hours getting to know each other

Attachment (Commitment)

• passed fantasy love and entering real love
• idealization leads to stringer relationship
  • studies by Ellen Berscheid have shown that the more we idealize the one we love, the stronger the relationship during the attachment stage
  • psychologists at the University of Texas in Austin found that idealization appears to keep people together and keep them happier in marriage
• playing a key role in this stage are oxytocin, vasopressin and endorphins, which are released when having sex